I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
