It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
