last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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