i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
