giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
