If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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