at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
