you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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