My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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