My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
