My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
