You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
