Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
