Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
