So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
