Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
