So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
