Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Randomize
