somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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