The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
