she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
