I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
