my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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