I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
