I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
