There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
