Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
