Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
