1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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