My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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