I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
