I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
