I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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