Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
