im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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