The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
