Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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