I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
