I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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