why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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