I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
