I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
