I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I did not marry a roomba.
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