dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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