He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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