When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
