1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
