I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Just invented taco cereal.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
