clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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