You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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