Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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