he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
