It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
