his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
