I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
